Parents sleeping with their children

[JB]

I'm wondering if anyone else has a supportive argument about parents routinely sleeping with their kids. I have an 8 yr. old daughter, whose father has routinely slept with her to get her to go to sleep. This was an ongoing issue between us, when we were married (obviously I disagree) and it still is, even more so now that we're divorced. I believe that kids should be able to put themselves to sleep. I believe that kids that can put themselves to sleep are more secure, confident, and more independent. My daughter, however, begs for me to sleep with her or begs for her to sleep with me and I don't condone this. In return, she will defy me until 2 or 3 in the morning. These two lifestyles of nighttime behavior is damaging to her, this I know. I just don't know how I can get the courts to decide what's best for her and how to get a court or judge to side with my parenting. Did I mention that she's also a severe case of ADHD and taking medication regularly for that as well. I also believe that she needs more stability and routine than most kids because of her condition. If anyone has any similar dealings with their children, I'm open for some input or opinions on how to handle this.

[caroline allard]

I do have the same problem. A little diferant. I used to sleep with my children when they were little. There dad never wanted them to sleep with me. He said he was jalous. Then, as the time went buy, I stoped completely sleeping with them to please their dad. Ten years later we divorced. Now he is the one sleeping with them even after they had been used to their own room. He lets them sleep in his own bed and he sleeps with them. He even got an apprtment without a room for them. His room is their room now. They are 10 and 12 years old. The oldest dose not want to sleep in his own room when he comes here so he sleeps in his brother's room on a mattress on the floor.

[caroline allard]

Sorry for all the mistakes in my writing, I should have read twice before sending it. P.S. my first language is french so... that explains it!

[Peter Tornell]

I believe this is a very unhealthy habit that strips your daughter of her security of being able to be alone. Would it be possible for you to lie down next to her in HER bed? Stroke her hair gently and make her feel comfortable, then remove yourself from her bed as soon as she is a sleep? If she is upset with you in the morning for not being there, just tell her that you just got up.
An 8 year old that stays up to 2 or 3 in the morning is just REALLY bad news with or without ADHD.

Good Luck.
Peter

[joyce knipp]

I myself believe in the family bed but with boundries,,,like once a week. I made the mistake with my first child of allowing him to sleep in our bed...I did not repeat it with the others. But it was a constant battle because their father would allow them to sleep with us over and over so then they became uncomfortable about sleeping alone. Bumps in the night are a lot louder for a child when they are use to mommy and daddy or either or sleeping with them.

Now,,,we to are divorced and occasionally I will allow the younger ones to sleep in my bed, but usually only if they are sick. I feel a little guilty because I know they want to so badly and my two youngest are a bit scared so they have nightlites and soft music in their rooms. (to help drown out the bumps in the night). I also tell them they have to go to sleep in their rooms and if they have a nightmare or get scared they can get in my bed.......Most nights I sleep alone:)

[JIM RPSGT-CRT-EEGT]

I did lay down with my daughter when she went into her big girl bed, this allowed for a good her to settle in better. but you need to work with your ex to come to an agreement i think 8 is getting a little old for this to happen and would allow her to devolep poor sleep habits that could cause problems as an adult. the stability is of great concern but with the ADHD this is of another concern the question has to come up if he allows her to sleep with him to settle her down because he might not give her her meds. once she gets home then you have to deal with the problems with her not on meds and restart them and it takes time to get back into the system.

[wkdmnky]

I do not agree with parents sleeping with their children. My boyfriend is divorced 2 yrs now. He has 50/50 custody of his daughter. Since his divorce, he has allowed his 6 yr old daughter to sleep in his bed with him. We have been dating for a year and 3 months. The nights that I didn't stay with him, he was having his daughter still sleep with him. This really bothered me. So we had a discussion and I explained how this was not helping the relationship between his daughter and I and how unhealthy it was for her. He was defensive about it but he finally agreed and has stopped it. Now, in the last 2 weeks she has started this thing where she can't fall asleep. She comes into his room and wakes us up every 15 or 20 minutes. Of course he gets out of bed and goes in her room. He ends up staying in there for at least 20 minutes if not more. This goes on for hours throughout the night. Obviously none of us are getting any sleep and this is not helping mine and his relationship. We have both talked to her and she claims that nothing is wrong. He also told me that she feels left out. Left out of what, I thought!! Anyway, the other night he was in her bed for an hour and a half!!! That is ridiculous. I talked to him about it and he got very defensive. He said that she is upset because of me and that she thinks I am going to take him away. I have no idea what to do about this situation. She is 8 years old and should not be sleeping with her dad!! He doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with it. Sorry but I don't have a solution for you because I am dealing with the same thing.

[Louisea20]

Wow wkdmnky my advice to you would be put yourself in your boyfriends daughters shoes. Yes it appears that he's got into bad habits with his daughter letting her stay in bed with him, but only in your view. Remember until you came along both he and his daughter were happy with this arrangement. Why exactly were you bothered about him sleeping in the same bed as his daughter when you werent there? I presume she wasnt allowed in with you both or wasnt there on the same nights as you were there so what does it really matter if she shares a bed with her dad on the nights your not there? Of course she feels left out, shes having to share her dad with you and you are the one who has literally and physically forced her out of a comfort situation which she has sharing a bed with her dad. How you cant be a bit more sympathetic to this mans child I dont know it sounds to me like you are the one with the problem perhaps you are a little jealous of their relationship? And also why is it up to you how this man parents his daughter? Why are you interfering in their relationship? What makes you the expert and the person who gets to decide whether its right that they share a bed? Of course she thinks your going to take him away your already doing it in her six year old eyes youve shoved her out of sharing a bed with her dad who she only gets to see half of the week. I think you need to look very carefully about why this whole thing bothers you so much and your attitude to this mans daughter.

[Leigh Woods]

My son is afraid to sleep alone. It is a hard habit to break and I miss sleeping beside my husband. Try a mumoocie. It is a body pillow shaped like a torso I use it on my son once he is asleep and he thinks it is me lying next to him. The outer fabric feels warm like me. Maybe it will help you to.